The wrong way of fall in love

I begin to realize, that ever since my friends johnny fell in love with Nina (secretary in client office) he became so much more stupid literally than how he had been previously. 

Yes, some people become a bit irrational when they were fallin in love with someone. i happened to that phase too some years ago. Somehow thank God I now am walking with someone I never fall in love with. ahahaha may be it sounds even more stupid.

But come on, isn’t it funny and a bit weird? no matter how bad this shit happens to some of boys and girls, men and women, this thing should stop when the relationship rise up into a marriage (i mean, something a bit more formal and require commitment to run). This couple somehow needs to make and follow a certain rule they respect. Men usually become the leader, and women become the follower, as well as the supporting back bone to each other. in that way, they would slowly but sure learn how to understand each other position in this family organization. More than just self ego. And why I expressed such an astonishment is because this shit sometime keeps going on even until the marriage..

I just can’t believe that Ronny become such an ass even now he is a dady. He is supposed to be the Leader of the family. But there is something in his love to his wife that always stop him from saying no to her. He never blame this woman whatever she does. I mean, he never even make a correction when he needs to. He is a visual communication designer. Kinda artist in his world (I don’t know design quite much). Yet, now all he thinks is just how make more and more money in such way that his wife is agree with. now fuck that. How do you call it as creativity?

I ever felt that shit too… the unreasonable stupidity. Well, I am not a smart guy, yet it made me even worse everytime I fall in love with a woman. I made her my queen, what a stupid shit to do? I don’t have any single queen in my life. I admire her, tell her how bad i need her everyday and so on. God damned, how this goddamned woman could be my wife? the answer is clear, she never be. Well, its impossible that you could live with someone you fall in love so badly that you could never blame her or him, even when you have to. I would never live with someone I couldn’t admonish when she makes mistakes. I need to make my family a good organization. Just like everyone else. I just fell down on a whole messed up shit pile of “the wrong way of fall in love”.

As I said above I now am walking with a woman I like yet I never really fall in love with. We go to movies, concert, discuss alotta things, share to each other. In front of her, I could be myself, a normal guy, not a stupid one. Our relationship doesn’t answer my needs to make a family, yet it is much better than if I had to go with a queen.


No Sir, you can’t ask about this cage.


What is so wrong of being stupid for your own life?
What is so wrong of being different?
What is so wrong of being dying while trying to chase dream?
what is so wrong of being too much sensitive of what people think of you?

So I ever heard once a news on TV about how a boy wanted to turn himself into a female because how felt so far that he had been caged in a wrong body.
In the same way, I found some people felt that they never found any best hood that totally support their ideas. what they did next wasn’t to move to another hood and expecting to find the right friends who could easily accept them, but they changed their prespective of what the hood said about them.
There is a huge fear of death and failure.

so huge that people can even see my doubtfulness. A fear of dying on the way before I could finish this race against common sense.

No one even think that this shit is a good idea to die… ahahahha… Thanks.
Is there any real freedom out there? I doubt that.

since we are all caged in what people say about us….

 what is the pride of being this bullshit.

How are you today?

So I work in here today and try to enjoy the hood. I don’t know, wether i am too weak or its because i am just waiting for the right time until i feel ready to break it down. So, I see those guys like feeling so bad because of what we got here isn’t the thing we used to imagine. I knew, but hey… Doest it really matter for me today?

I still the same guy who is crazy about space shit… I ain’t change. I don’t even have a certain answer to the question of “where would you live?”. yah, how am I supposed to answer that thing?. I mean, I dont even have a family by now, a wife to live with, a kid to take care of and rise. I dont have those thing, which I believe become the reason why i never got so busy to think of my future.
It is a very basic thing that everyone need a mate… A mate, like for the lifetime. A wife, a husband. I keep questioning myself if it is the cause of why this space nut shit keep stayin’ in my head. I am pretty lame in planning for myself. Yet one thing for sure, it is useless to make a huge plan if it’d take long time just to start up because of some reasons. It is then more like a mental masturbation, we all have been tired of that!!!!!!

So I just opened the same site i used to visit everytime I got my head heavy enough with those dissapointments. It turns out that it is impossible for me right now, maybe next year or some other times later.
So probably the only left possible scenerio is going to college, again.
That would a lil bit painful…
Oh my God

baiklah... it pleases me

baiklah… it pleases me

Anyway, today I join the SCADA team of a power grid company. I gotta say this is different, but I do like the environment. The people are great, the atmosphere is just real good. But, yeah like I said, its not me.. ahahaha

And thank God they already knew that its not ME!! Ofcourse there is always dissapoinTment. But I believe I’d better not to share in here.

The thing I should remember is perhaps this is the only thing i got to earn money, so i have to behave good… aahhahha..
secondly, It is a great technology I believe, just maybe not in line with my dream which doesn’t make it not important for me to learn. It is still about complex system on data aquisition.
Very well then… I gotta comprehend the whole system before “the time” arrive. I mean at least i have a reason why i should be on fire here.


ahh… finally, yah, I just tried hard to find a reason of why i am supposed to be on fire to work in here.